i could see for miles, miles, miles
I’ve been trying for some time now to piece together what this year’s going to mean to me. I know I’m a bit late to the game with this whole New Year’s Resolution idea as it’s about to be February. But it’s given me some time to really think about what I’m actually going to change about myself and my life and when I say that, I really mean it.
I’ve sworn off drive thru fast foods (say what you will, but that’s a small step for me). And to be honest, I don’t miss it one bit. I’m slowly weaning out the people in my life that don’t care for me and that I have made a conscious decision not to care about anymore. I’m still terrified of opening myself up to anyone with the fear of getting hurt. I push anyone away the second I think they’re close enough to be able to hurt me. But, I won’t be able to live my life to the fullest without feeling everything, and I want to feel it all. This year will be a good one.
It’s all started off splendidly with a small bump in my responsibilities at work, which means only good things. I can not tell you how absolutely overwhelmed with excitement I get thinking about the day someone else can come in to take care of the mundane tasks my boss requires of me. The rather demeaning chores have begun to eat at my soul. Dramatic? Maybe. But you waste 4 hours of your life typing away emails and being talked down to and you tell me how it makes you feel? I don’t ask for any sort of sympathy, only happy thoughts for what’s to come in the future.
The one thing that’s been lingering in the back of my mind for some time now, which actually worries me a bit, is the fact that I find myself being increasingly apathetic to a multitude of things. Not exactly sure I can explain it. I’ve just reached a point where I feel like I’ve spent my most of the past few years making everyone else feel good about themselves, listening to their problems, telling them that everything’s going to be OK with really no one to turn to when I need something. I think it’s just frustrating knowing that regardless of how nice you are to a person, how much you open your heart to them, they could give a flying fuck about you. They just want a body there to “listen” to their babble. They’re too selfish to care about anyone else but themselves. I have started to really feel nothing towards these people anymore, no sympathy, enthusiasm, concern or really any sort of interest in what they’re saying. I don’t think that makes sense, but it does in my head.
Regardless, I’m excited for what’s to come.
xx
